5 Tips For (Sort of) Surviving An Alien Abduction

Sometime in the near future you may be abducted by aliens. And from what I can see you will be hopelessly unprepared for the experience.

Sure you know what to do if there is a fire, an earthquake, or even a nuclear attack in your town but if aliens from the planet Zarthon show up and beam you up into their mothership you wouldn't have a clue as to how to survive.

Fortunately for you I've been doing my research. While you were filling your days with such trivial pursuits as working, paying the bills, and raising a family, I was doing important humanity-saving research on real issues like alien abduction, naked Sarah Palin pics, and World of Warcraft cheat codes.

And this research has brought to light some interesting discoveries that will in turn allow me to share with you: 5 Tips For Surviving An Alien Abduction.

Remaining calm is the surest way to get put first in line for the Mind Probe and/or the Anal Analyzer. Therefore you should behave in the most uncalm and crazed manner that you possibly can.

Run around in circles, throw things (including other abductees), pee on walls etc. Basically, behave like a Boston Red Sox or World Cup Soccer fan at all times.

Hopefully, your erratic behavior will be enough to convince the aliens that they have abducted a broken model of human and they will transport you back down to the planet.

You should be warned however that mating rituals differ from planet to planet so if you notice your wild antics drawing the wrong kind of attention from some your captors you may want to shut up and take the Mind Probe.

When the aliens begin to probe your mind with the HumaProb-A-Matic 3000 or a similar model, do not resist. Resisting the mind probe only makes the aliens probe deeper and this can result in permanent brain damage and memory loss or worse the recalling of Saved By The Bell episodes you watched and had finally suppressed from memory. Trust me, you don't want to put yourself through that kind of torture.

Instead of resisting, open your mind up to the probe but simultaneously begin thinking false and incorrect thoughts. Put as many lies about Earth and it's people into your mind as you can. The aliens, who are unfamiliar with the ease with which our species can pull untruths out of our anuses, will eat this information up.

This in turn will make it next to impossible for them to take over the Earth or complete whatever diabolical plan they had in mind especially when they believe we reproduce by smiling, eat through our toes, and use our TV's for bathing.

You may also want to insert a few lies about neighbors and co-workers you don't like, politicians you didn't vote for, and styles of clothing you wish would disappear.

No matter how hungry you get refrain from eating any of the food offered to you by your alien abductors. You don't know what foreign planets these aliens have visited and what poor species' they may have ground up or roasted to make your meal.

And even worse, you have no idea where these aliens hands have been.

You don't even know if the human body can handle these exotic 'foods'. And trust me, you do not want to be constipated, throwing up, or have explosive diarrhea on an alien vessel. Not only are their facilities typically inadequate but any form of sickness is a great excuse for them to break out the Anal Analyzer.

The alien brain does not know how to process singing. They view it as some form of communication that they have yet to decode. And the worse you sing the more befuddled they become.

So sing, sing, sing. Sing loud, sing off beat, sing off key. If you really want to screw with them have some of your fellow abductees dance off rhythm while you sing (this shouldn't be hard for fellow Caucasian abdcutees). This will produce the equivalent of a migraine in your captors heads as they try to figure out what you are saying and even more importantly what that guy is doing with his hands over there (the Macarena).

Keep the singing and dancing up for a while and you are guaranteed to be returned to Earth first.

Note: If you happen to encounter an alien race that DOES understand singing and dancing you might be in for a long journey on some intergalactic alien sideshow. Not to worry, many an alien sideshow entertainer has gone on to have a long prosperous career that spanned well over 3 weeks.

Chances are most of the species that your captors have abducted in the past have tried to stay as far away from them as possible. This probably has as much to do with the stench that most aliens emit as it does with the fluids that ooze from their 'skin'.

You, however, should take any and every opportunity that presents itself to try and make physical contact with your captors. And I'm not just talking touching, you want to touch, rub, hug, cuddle with, spoon etc.

This will totally freak the aliens out and they won't know whether to de-atomize you or hug back. And while they are deliberating on the pros and cons of each choice you might find a chance to escape.

Or better yet you might be able to pass on some kind of infection to the aliens that their body is not used to if you keep in contact long enough. Poison Ivy is irritating to us but you should see what is does to Zarthonian females...

So there you have it folks, 5 Tips For Surviving An Alien Abduction. Hopefully, you will be able to use this information if you or your loved ones are abducted in the near future. I'm glad I could be of assistance to humanity once again. After all, saving the world and watching Youtube videos are what I live for. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a bath in my television set...